To some questions there are no easy answers. For instance, I have no idea why an octopus — let’s call him Henry — would need to wear a hat.

I’m not sure The Wiggles have much to offer from an educational perspective if they still haven’t figured out how to wake up Jeff.

Measuring my progress as a dad by my increasing willingness (nay, enthusiasm) to venture outside wearing only my underpants.

Always a bit sceptical when I hear The Wiggles claim that Dorothy is their favourite dinosaur.

What basis for comparison do they have?

Opened bin to find wasp in there. Put bag of incredibly soiled nappies on top of wasp.

Humans: 1

Vespidae: nil

Managed to flick a vibrant yellow stripe of poo onto myself. Not my own, if that makes it any better.

Confirmed! Robot dancing to an incorrectly-sung version of Gary Numan’s ‘Cars’ is not amusing to child who is, at that moment, defecating.

My daughter just asked me to “run like an emo”. I had already slipped over on my own tears when I realised she meant “emu”.

It’s just gone 8.00am and I’ve already picked up one piece of human poo with my fingers.

Comments I’d rephrase for clarity if I had my time again (#14): “Daddy’s just going to wipe his bottom and make you a sandwich.”

Coroners must occasionally see things which test their professionalism and make them feel ill.

Changing nappies is like that sometimes.

My daughter vomited beef ravioli all over Igglepiggle and Upsy Daisy.

Narrate that, Sir Derek Jacobi.

Great moments in parenting: just had to use the phrase “That’s not what socks are for.”

The rate at which my daughter is acquiring new words is exceeded only by the rate at which my vocabulary is diminishing.